Crack Randomness (?)
by Baby Hedgehog-Cute but DEADLY
Summary: In which Ron has no idea what's going on, Harry gets shot, and Voldemort wants to make french fries. (IN FRANCE!) Oneshot. Warning: Crack fic. Randomness commences in three... two...


**Warning: Crack fic. Randomness commences in three... two... **

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><p><strong>Inspired By: <strong>Contest prompt from _Missing Him_ submitted by **I Win **(that jerk -_- who's also a pretty bad speller [don't worry, he's a friend of mine, so I'm not insulting some random reviewer]): Harry dies followed by Hermoine commiting suicide mabye reserection mabye fluffy

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><p>Ron has no idea what just happened.<p>

One minute, he was at home, teaching his son how to be a master at Wizard Chess. The next, he's on a sidewalk with Harry and his wife. There's a road on his left, and grass on his right. On the other side of the road is another sidewalk. He stops walking.

"What in the…"

His two friends stop and turn around. He gapes. They look exactly like they did in their high school years! The worry and laugh lines on both their faces were gone. His wife, whose hair was normally in a moderately neat bun, is freely flowing around her back and shoulders. The slightly haunted look that had formed in Harry's eyes during his years as an Auror is also gone. Ron looks down; the little bit weight he had gained as he had grown older is also gone.

They were seventeen again! (Why does he feel like that's a movie reference?)

"What's wrong, Ron?" Harry asks his friend, seemingly unaware of the situation.

"What's _wrong?!" _Ron exclaims. "We're _young _again!"

His wife frowns. "Ron, you're not making any sense."

Ron splutters, not knowing what to say. Maybe this a dream. This can't be real. He pinches himself.

It's real.

He takes a deep breath and forces himself to calm down, to think clearly. His wife and best friend clearly have no idea that something is going on. Maybe someone was doing a spell that went wrong and sent them back in time? But he can't recall any point in time in which they just walked down a sidewalk like this, with no sign of civilization in all directions.

So, what is going on? Why are they here? _Where_ is 'here'? Why are they younger? All these questions and more fly around in the redhead's mind with no apparent answers in sight.

"I…" Ron sighs. Maybe everything would reveal itself eventually. Right now, he needs to just calm down and not freak out. "I'm sorry. I don't know what I was thinking."

"Alright," Harry says, flashing his friend a reassuring smile. Hermione looks skeptical, but turns around at the same time that Harry does and they all continue walking.

A sudden blur of movement off to Ron's side catches his Auror-trained eye. He turns his head to look at it. Off to his side is a floating black muggle weapon used to maim and kill; a gun. Ron frowns. It can't float by itself. Who's controlling it? He feels around himself for his wand and curses. He doesn't have it. Before he can warn his two companions, Harry turns around and the gun goes off with _**bang.**_

The man-turned-teen's head jerks back, his expression frozen in one of surprise and a hole in his forehead. He collapses. The gun suddenly appears in Ron's hand. He drops it in surprise and horror.

Hermione stops walking and turns back. She looks at the still form on the ground, and then the gun dropped in the grass, and finally gazes at Ron with a raised eyebrow. "Did you just _shoot _him?"

Ron sputters. "I didn't— the gun was— and then it—"

A smiling little girl suddenly appears beside Hermione. She has bright red hair in little pigtails, overly large and adorable eyes, an even larger head, and a green and black dress. "Do you wanna hide a body?" she sings.

"What?!" Ron yells. "No!"

She frowns. "Ok, bye…" She disappears back to wherever she came from.

"Ugh," Hermione groans, either not noticing or just ignoring what just happened. "Now we have to go see Dumbledore." Ron gapes at her. She seems more annoyed than horrified that Harry just _died. _She brings forth her wand (how does she have hers?) and casts a levitation spell on Harry.

"Holy Christmas nuts!"

Ron turns and sees another redhead; this time, it's a teen that looks a year or so younger than him. The lanky teen gapes and stares at the three like a kid at Honeydukes.

"You're…"

Ron frowns at the absurdity of it all. A gun appears out of nowhere and shoots and _kills _his friend, Hermione seems not to really care about the former, a little girl appears (Apparating? Children can't do that!) and asks if he wants to hide the body, and then another teenager appears and is staring at them like they're a reincarnation of Merlin!

"I've seen all the Harry Potter movies! You guys are awesome!"

Movie? Ron knows he's heard the muggle term before, but he can't recall what it means. Wait. Is this (clearly American because of his accent) teen a muggle? How did he apparate here, wherever _here _is?! He seems to know about magic. Perhaps he's a Squib. But… _what?_

"What's a movie?" Ron finally asks.

The teen frowns. "Wait, are you guys still in character or something?"

"The movies have come out already?" Hermione asks. "Huh. Who would have thought?"

"Ok, what is going on here?!" Ron yells.

The suddenly teen seems to notice Harry for the first time, and frowns. "Oh… is he…?"

"Yes," Hermione says, rolling her eyes. "Because this bloody idiot killed him—"

_"What?!"_

"—and now we have to go wake up Dumbledore."

"Alright, hold on a minute—"

Ron suddenly experiences the familiar _whoosh _of colors and motion that is apparating. He, Hermione, and Harry are all on the grass next to Dumbledore's tomb. Before Ron can even begin to process _what the bloody hell just happened, _Hermione is calling out Dumbledore's name.

To Ron's increasing horror, the tomb _opens. _A form slowly sits up from it, and Dumbledore turns to face them after fully straightening. He isn't showing any trace of decomposition or aging like Ron expected. Instead, he looks just like the day they buried him.

The old man seems annoyed. "What part of twerking supercalifragilisticexpialidociousness don't you understand?"

"None of it, sir," Hermione says pointedly.

"Butter poopie nuggets," the man responds. "Alright, what do you want?"

Hermione rolls her eyes again. "Ron killed Harry."

_"Why _are you acting so _nonchalant _about all of this?!" Ron finally yells at her. She ignores him.

Dumbledore raises an eyebrow, ignoring Ron as well. "We'll you're all are screwed. Might as well go and buy your last ducklings and feed your pet Box Ghosts. Voldemort's going to kill you all."

Said evil wizard suddenly appears with a dramatic crack of lightning to punctuate his arrival. "GOT THAT RIGHT, BITCHES! VOLDIE'S IN THE HOUSE! AND THE FIRST THING THAT I'M GOING TO DO AFTER BECOMING THE PRESIDENT OF THE NETHERLANDS IS LEARN HOW TO BAKE A FRENCH FRY. IN _FRANCE_! HAHAHAHAHAHA!" He disappears just as suddenly as he came.

"What…"

"Looks like I need more Anti-White-Bald-Freak Repellant," Dumbledore mutters. He looks up at Hermione and Ron again. "How is this my problem?"

"Sir, he's _dead_," Ron answers, deciding that thinking about all this madness will only serve to drive _him _mad.

"So? I am, too," Dumbledore answers in a bored tone.

"Because, he's our friend, and… with all due respect, sir, what is _wrong _with you?!"

"You just brought a dead cupcake back to life and you're asking what's wrong with _me_?"

"Dead… cupcake…"

A tiny growl is heard from behind them. Ron turns and sees a pitiful looking cupcake with frosting that might once have been pink. It has glowing green eyes and arms, and it's using the grass to drag itself forward. As they watch, a two legged creature (a dinosaur, Ron recalls, called a velociraptor… but they can't _fly!_) swoops down and eats it. A whale then jumps out of the Black Lake, flies through the air, swallows the velociraptor, and dives back into the water.

"Sir, these morons both owe me thirty Galleons. And we have an exam in Herbology coming up," Hermione says in a 'not amused' tone, examining her nails.

"Since when have I owed you money?!" Ron cries, choosing to focus on that instead of the fact that she just called him a 'moron.' "And we don't even go to school anymore!"

Hermione lifts her gaze from her nails and stares at him. Her expression is ominous as she lifts an eyebrow. "Or do we?"

"OOOOH, SNAP!" Dumbledore says, covering his mouth with one hand while waving the other back and forth. "SHE SAID HE HAD NO NIPPELSSSSS!"

Hermione gasps. "I did not!" A gun appears in her hand, and she shoots herself in the head with it. Her limp form falls against Ron's, but she's only still for a few seconds before she sits up again. "Wow, being dead is not fun."

"Tell me about it," Harry's voice suddenly responds.

_"Harry?!" _poor Ron chokes out bemusedly.

Harry doesn't answer.

"That's it. I'm done." Ron stands up, storming away. "I can't take this anymore!"

"Ron, wait!" he hears Hermione's voice call after him. He doesn't stop walking, but he slows down a little. Hermione's footsteps get closer and closer until she runs around him and stops in front of him, forcing him to stop as well so he doesn't crash into her.

"This is driving me mad!" Ron says. "I have no idea what's going on and I doubt I'll learn anytime soon, and this is just… _insane!"_

"I know," Hermione says, moving closer and hooking a hand on the back of his neck. "But this is the part where I kiss you and convince you to stay."

"What—"

She pulls him down and kisses him, effectively cutting off whatever question he was about to ask. He stills for a moment in momentary surprise before responding.

"Now," Hermione says, abruptly pulling away, leaving Ron dazed. "Cupid has learned of our whereabouts and released Fluffy to come and turn us into the zombies so he can send us into the Walking Dead universe. We _can not _let him succeed." She looks up at something over Ron's shoulder. "Oh, there he is."

Upon hearing the low growls coming from behind him, Ron pales and slowly turns around to find Hagrid's giant three-headed dog Fluffy glaring at the two of them. The ceberus glares at the for a couple of seconds. The middle head finally barks. Ron and Hermione take off running, with the beast hot on their heels.

They run into the trees of the Forbidden Forest. Ron trips over a tree root and slams his head against a trunk. Everything goes dark.

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><p>"Oh my God… is he…"<p>

"If he is, we need to put him down before he can reanimate."

"What if he's alive, though?"

"Give him _the test."_

Gasps. "The _test?!" _

"Yeah."

"Ok."

Something hard knocks on Ron's forehead. "Hey. You alive?"

"Urg…"

"He passed!"

"But… coconuts aren't supposed to talk…"

"I saw we eat him. The last time I saw a live coconut was before everything went to crap."

"What if he's friendly?"

"…"

"I say we keep him."

And so, Ron lived out the rest of his days as a pet coconut for a family of giraffes. The end.

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><p><strong>I have no words. <strong>

**Well, he said 'fluffy', but he didn't specify what kind of 'fluffy.' So I just put both. There. By the way, I have a very random imagination sometimes. That doesn't mean I'm (completely) crazy. Crazy? I was crazy once. They put me in a round room and told me to sit in the corner. It drove me nuts. Nuts? I like nuts. Peanuts, cashews, walnuts... except for chestnuts. They drive me crazy. Crazy? **I was crazy once. They put me in a round room and told me to sit in the corner. It drove me nuts. Nuts? I like nuts. Peanuts, cashews, walnuts... except for chestnuts. They drive me crazy. Crazy? **I was crazy once. They put me in a round room and told me to sit in the corner. It drove me nts. Nuts? I like nuts. Peanuts, cashews, walnuts... except for chestnuts. They drive me crazy. Crazy? I was crazy once...******

******REVIEW! *twitch*******

******Until next time!******

******~BP******


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